If that's really all it's gonna take for you to leave, then you were never really that committed in the first place. Let's face it, a lot of us settle to some degree. Once the safe beta male realizes hes a settled down safe option he leaves his old washed up wife who apparently is now cursed to be alone because no one ever dates women over 30, apparently. Jeez a dead bedroom and hes surprised shes pinning about the last guy she had good sex with (who happened to have been 20 years ago). If her fear of losing you was more than her fear of you finding out her temptationthan the reason for your response is simpleyou want out. Any relationship that lasts longer than a few years is going to be TESTED, and tested hard. After all, if the topic of why you split came up you can swear it was her fault, and that if only she had not expressed longing for a past relationship the two of you would still be in wedded bliss. It's a perfect storm of reasons to think "What if" and dream of a better life no matter how good your life is right now. Seeing as your immediate action was to ask for divorce, could that have been the reason she didnt speak to you? It's to help you work through your situation together in a moderated space. Id imagine OP and his wife are transitioning into new ways of viewing themselves (no longer primary caregivers for their kiddos). And congrats for finally making the choice! How you tried talking about things or did you just jump to divorce right away? I can think of lesser reasons to throw away 20 years of marriage than this. I think he's been done for a long time. Theres no explanation that takes that sentiment back. To me, that seems unrealistic. How many 45 year old men come to a website mainly filled with teenagers knowing the exact format for validation on their major life choices? She was in her early twenties and so was Tom, when you hit middle age you tend to look back on those times with rose colored glasses. He's devastated by her revealing her true feelings and that somehow indicates he must have been bored of the marriage? And just because your kids are barely adults, doesnt mean they wont react to their parents divorce like adults. This was my first thought after reading Ops post. It's one of the best things I ever realized. No he outta cut ties, lawyer up, and hit the gym. Im married to a guy that didnt really excite me either. Im sure shell feel It happens. So my ego has been devastated and I really dont know how to handle this. Reading the comments, it sounds like they were pretty close to a dead bedroom for the last 5 years. He was also probably hoping that this way would cause people to not blame him, which didn't happen and now he's turned to the internet to find people on his side. Perhaps if you explained it to your family this way they would be more understanding.
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You dont worry about what your family thinks. I hope things turn out for the best, whatever that may be. Your relationship is not over and it never will be. Talk to her sister and explain everything as she really knows what the actual F is happening. People often settle for security and if he's gone that security is also gone. I lucked out after 6 years. She eventually talked with my uncle about the issue. Oh you settled for me? I really think both parties could handle this better. Doesnt mean it would. Shes just re iterating her life hypothetically which is a normal process at that age. It's your life, and although you can't pick the cards you are dealt, it's up to you to play them the best you can. Now that you've got a legitimate beef with her, you're trying to reclaim the position of power, and that's why you don't want to listen to your family members as they try to calm you down. There is way more going on than just that one comment of her, otherwise he would not throw away 20 years of marriage. And this one will also, because you will process your feelings, and AFTER that You will make a decision. I think you should hear her side out first though, talk it out and put all your emotions on the table. Your responses strongly suggest you've already made up your mind, so "what do I do?" Maybe you settled but that's not gonna be me. Its possible her love language differs from yours. OP maybe cannot post every single thing, but he could post more than one single thing. Even a killer has an excuse if you ask. He is justified in doing whatever he wishes with zero judgment. Im always looking for a fresh perspective especially on something so one sided. Your wife had exactly this. To be honest you are in a sh*t storm. You seem really hurt, and betrayed even by this statement
Weird though, usually the advice in here is like "oh he forgot something important to you that you never made clear was important? Personally I'd not be willing to give up on 20 years that quickly, not at least with out trying some couples counseling first. He will feel boring among many others. Have you at least sat down and heard her out. Also start getting a list together of all your assets. Once she has done so, go on from there. Sounds like OP and his wife would benefit from some professional counseling so that they can better communicate with each other and determine how to improve their relationship. Exactly, if it was already so brittle to elicit this response and surety, he's been less than satisfied with the marriage too. Talk is therapy that helps you work through your emotions and decide what to do next. Recently I have been doing a lot of self reflecting and found I do this. This friend is in a serious relationship, he kicked off the contenscious post. You are going to have a hard life. OP was very quick with getting a divorce. The only way to find out is to talk to her. "Grab her by the pussy" wasn't meant to be heard by other people so that means it wasn't serious. I've never been married for 20 years but I feel like that would really be totally crushing. I think that's a pretty good take. And now youve finally found something you can blow up enough it might get people to pat you on the back and say, congratulations for leaving!. In this case, your spouse of two decades casually spoke viciously hurtful words about you to someone other than you. Every relationship is about compromise. 
If that's the case they both have a way back to the life they want to have but they need some third-party help to get everything out on the table and come up with a plan on how they're going to solve this together. If the genders were reversed everyone would be saying: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them.". Parental conflict will still have a huge emotional impact regardless and it's not unusual for adult children to require financial support from their parents at this age. Simple as that. If shes fawning over a 20 year old ex..Who else might there be? All the responders saying how awful she is.I mean, maybe she is, but you can't know that. Makes me think about the internet being people's 'masks.'. Did she clarify what the conversation was actually about? I imagine it was something like her phone friend describing her own ex and putting down her own spouse and his wife has a weak personality in the face of friends and was bragging she had a past too. Man unrelated but my mom used to listen to Jonathan Richman practically on a loop when I was a kid, some of those songs are burned into my brain but I've basically never seen anyone else mention him! Your feelings of hurt are completely valid, and for her to say otherwise is bullshit. After hearing what she said, it can't work. Impulsiveness? Thinking about an ex every day certainly isn't an isolated event. In this case, yeah. I am fairly certain we have all played what-if in our minds. You never fantasized about another woman? When I had a traumatic event in my life I took a lot of solace in realizing that what I went through, as heartbreaking as it was, many people have experienced it before. Sounds like he found out the real reason and it is the nail in the coffin. It was a stupid thing for her to say, and really the only lie is the one she is telling herself, but if you feel like you need to divorce talk to a lawyer and get started, but my take is she just misses the excitement being young and in love and expressed it in a very stupid way. Had you ever thought about ending it before this? There was a period of time where I considered leaving my husband because I wasn't handling things well and all the underlying problems just came to the surface. The final straw is that OP now knows he was not considered a prize, catch, successful choice (however you want to phrase it). Face her and ask her if she ever cheated on you with the guy or anyone else. Maybe she settled and then that settling extended into them having kids. This friend is in a serious relationship, he kicked off the contenscious post. You will just alienate your Children if you continue to blame your wife. Agreed, I have to constantly focus about all the bad parts of my relationships with my exes, because if I dont, I get tempted to imagining what life would be like with them. Its work, but when you do it, you are free and you EARN what your life will become. Ear hustling and then divorce? You aren't someone's safe boring second option. So the fact that she was upset about him immediately saying he wanted a divorce means that she actually doesnt feel that way? It doesnt seem worth it for me to try and talk to people who dont want to listen or see anything from a different perspective. If that is the case and he no longer believes her, why stay and potentially being miserable? Rather that's true or not, OP will never feel anything but 2nd best for the rest of his life if he stays in the marriage. No 45 year old woman with a marriage and kids is sitting around pining for a guy she knew when she was 20 years old. Like this isn't just some heated words said during an argument. He will feel like he is not enough. Thats what i was thinking. I mean, yeah, having your partner say that they would rather been with their ex, even though you have 2 kids and spent 20 years together? This is exactly where shes coming from. Like wondering what it would have been like if you had been born an entirely different human? Maybe a light and a tunnel you never wanted. Lawyer up, sleep on the couch, and prepare for the next phase of life. I agree. That's a nice blast from the past. Edit: Read through some comments for perspective and it's kind of heart-breaking to see how many people are down for "throw out the whole wife." It would seem they either settled for their partner and want to downplay it or know they were settled for and are desperately trying to tell themselves that isn't a problem. You can leave a relationship for any reason, or no reason. If not, I think no period of time should make you have to stay. I think OP had his mind made up before him overhearing his wife. And those are kind of things a lot of people need in a relationship. How can you say that and how can 1.5k people upvote you? 20 years is a long time to leave just from that. Of course it's hurtful to hear but I honestly put it in the same category of wishing you were married to Brad Pitt or you had a million dollars. This isn't a case of him being pissed about what happened with her conversation. Your kids are basically grown-up. After 20 years! But things will go on and settle down. Just hear her out first before rushing into anything. If you stay, I promise you'll think about that sentence. My wife then said to her, Sweetie, remember its your choice. When you talk to friends and are NOT talking shit, you just say things you dont mean! She told him that he was drunk and that no she hadn't told me. I thought something similar. That's how I took it exactly. No shit. There is more there and I think OP is just using it as a way out. Thinking and missing an ex everyday youre married for 20 yrs is a knife in the gut twisted around, Agreed hes being a bit rash, but hes an adult, maybe he wanted out too and could never articulate his feelings before . She has to be seriously in love with that other guy to think about him everyday for over 20 years now. This isnt the 60s. I'm sorry you have to go through this but for me, I would easily react the same way and dont think I would be able to get over that comment she made. Give her a chance to explain herself. If this were me I would ask her to go to couples therapy before divorcing. I was watching Couples Court recently and came across one of the best pieces of advice I had ever heard in my life. Idk whats so hard for people to understand about this. one of the best pieces of advice I had ever heard in my life. worried she's middle-aged, her prime is past her etc. If you feel this clearly that you want a divorce, that's probably the right decision. She was telling her friend something, the way you would write in a journal but what its actual importance is, only you'll find out if you talk to her in a safe, mediated space- is it no more important than an unfortunate bowel movement that taught her about anal fissures and how to avoid them or is it a life long regret, like never telling your father how much you loved and admired him before he passed and never having asked his life story, level of regret? There are some things that can never be unsaid or unheard. One wrong statement. Good luck OP. I found out that my wife is telling her friends about our private life, including details of our sex life, and even our infrequent arguments. 20 years. You can manage some useful insight, but the mods have an agenda as well. That he's a placeholder, a second choice. The "advice" in this subreddit is so one sided it's ridiculous. Theres entertaining a thought of another and then theres saying out loud that you settles and would never be with your spouse if the person they really loved, loved them back. That would suck so bad. Where do you take your security from? Sounds like you were already losing interest and this was the last thing you needed to feel justified. Pls tell me it was, I'm losing it. And I would definitely think the same if the genders were reversed. The proof is in the pudding, remember that. That's why you should never take any actual relationship advice from reddit. It's probably a copy paste from another post. Possibly, it's Brad or Ken)? First of all, you have tell her what you overheard and explain how much it has hurt you, and that you dont know how you can come back from it. is the lamest excuse ever. What's difficult to understand is how any sort of contextualization for what she said would change things. Ive been with my partner for over 15 years now and if I caught wind of the idea that they were pining over someone else, Id be outta here. And your response was to demand a divorce, from someone who you've been with for twenty years, who helped you raise your children. That comment is just plain insulting, especially overhearing it. Let her lie more?? She thinks about him everyday!?! In the note she said she'd felt this way for 2 or so years but was afraid to tell me. If she would have simply said anything at all we might have been able to work it out but she waited til she couldn't wait any more and by then it was too late. Get a lawyer. If she's talking about the ex like that, OP is not the one she wants to be with and OP should leave. his anger though is not surprising as she chose to confide to her friend about her problems and not with him as well, well see if OP has emotional intelligence i guess. Just because your relationship may be ending or its in a very rough place doesnt mean you cant turn down the temperature. Just man up and admit this is what you really want. Or heard someone pining for the happiness of a past relationship, but you know they routinely called you to complain or vent or cry over that person? (I know these are broad generalizations and they dont apply to everyone, but we have tropes for a reason). WebWhat is the best random conversation you overheard? I felt awful that I was making her feel like that and crushed that she didnt like me. Happens all the time. But if she never initiates and sex is "hurry-up-and-get-off-me starfish and you two are more like room-mates, then I'd want out too; especially after hearing that the guy before you was the one that got away. I think you calm down. He didn't want her but screwed around with her. Theyre not worth a conversation? I'm still fucked up over it. Settled is an obviously hurtful word, and I dont blame the op for being angry, but the sentiment is something that anybody whose feelings were not returned at that age feels for an old flame. It is also true that sometimes we say things to our friends which aren't exactly true, or not how we actually feel. Ditch that zero and get with a hero!! Same level as admitting 20 years later that they had been cheating every day for 20 years. Some marriages/relationships are irretrievably broken. Your samw mundane life as you call being brainwashed is getting to you . Im in a long term happy relationship now and recently read my journal detailing how obsessed I was with my current boyfriend. To see that some wounds don't heal. Its also a lot of people projecting their own past relationships onto a stranger. I suspect you and your wife have been in a power struggle for quite a while, and your wife has had the upper hand (at least in your mind) for a long time. Yeah, you're right in that we honestly can't know based on one conversation. Day. This friend is in a serious relationship. You go girl!! Fuck her family and whoever else is telling you your reaction is stupid. Virtual counseling is available. Will take her out to nice places, and buy her stuff. The problem with overreacting is that doing so causes people to focus on your overreaction instead of what you're overreacting to.
I don't think this information should have You can walk away just as easily six months from now as you could two weeks from now. There has to be more to the story. My guess is he's feeling this lull too and this was his excuse to bail and not be the bad guy. I cant deny, I hate it when my wife is busy tending to other people. Take walks. Ah, it all makes more sense now. Looking at your responses to this thread, all you are doing is agreeing with everyone who agrees that the wife is 100% in the wrong, and how you want to be free again to ride your motorcycle and whatnot. I absolutely agree with this, this is something he HAS to deal with. It takes practice. I think OP has long had the feeling hes not good enough and this just cemented it. I really feel the relationship is salvageable if they both agree to work on it. She was practicing lines for an audition and the names just happen to coincidentally be those of her ex and her husband. You just got to let people be until they can be themselves again. We all have intruding thoughts and sometimes the best way to deal with those is by talking them out with someone you trust. I do however very strongly recommend OP has a longer conversation and finds out the details before making any final decisions here. Move on - itll be hard - but you will rebuild. So she does, and marries the bad boy. There is a strong chance shes having a mid life crisis. Maybe she doesnt miss Tom, but how he treated her. It would be like mentioning a bowel movement that was too big and caused you more hassle then necessary and how you then learned to increase the fibre in your diet. 20 years is a long time to throw something away over a statement. Saying she wishes the last 20 years didn't happen is awful. I tried communication. I overheard my wife talking to one of her best friends on the phone while I was passing the bedroom. Except their marriage is not a year old. The heck you mean you ate the last Kraft Dinner? It's comfortable, avoiding saying hard emo crap! ", Sounds like from what hes said hes been checked out of the marriage for a while now actually, His clearly pre-existing desire to get the fuck out makes me wonder if he didnt have some kind of behavior toward his wife that prompted her to start questioning her marriage and reflect on the past with rose colored glasses, as others have mentioned she might be doing. If she's thinking about this now and saying it within your earshot there's obviously a problem here you're not mentionning. 
Ive gotten backlash on this sub twice now that resulted in me being personally insulted and DMd terrible things. PERIOD. Dont settle for just anyone. Jumping straight to divorce as a reaction is even dumber. Based on their ages, is it possible they married relatively young and then stayed together for their kids and now that the kids are adults they realize theres no love and affection in their relationship anymore? If that one comment hurt enough for you to end it all, then IMO the relationship wasn't that strong to begin with, in which case you're making the right decision anyway. Breaking up sucks, no matter what the reasons. That's clearly why people commenting think there is room to downplay her comment. Shes fantasizing about her on and off ex who excited her, but probably fails to remember why she was on and off with him in the first place and how he wasnt serious about her. You can end your marriage for any reason or no reason at all*, but no one should expect the other person to have zero feelings regardless of who said what. He's gaslighting you, probably cheating and toxic, you should block him and ghost. A trusted therapist can usually facilitate a more productive conversation than a friend, but its important to expand the people you lean on for support. Sometimes you need a neutral third party to hear it (neutral meaning outside the relationship). This is just an excuse for an easy out. Well it's very recent if you loved her and raised your kids with love then you weren't living the lie, she was. Give a person a mask and they will show you their real face. I deserve better than her. good catch, maybe hes always felt trapped and only stayed with her for the kids because hes a decent guy, but now that they are out of the house his reason for being there in the first place is gone. Turns out Im not the best sex my wife has ever had. If she dated you at 20 and got married to Tom, she probably would think she "settled" for Tom. Maybe his wife is a total cunt and that's it. Sometimes I wish Tom had been serious with me". But what I struggled to accept was that i was brainwashed for 20 years and living my life based on a lie. It's okay to still have feelings for someone you had feelings for before in the past, many people have these feelings, but to SAY that you wish you were with them instead is NOT okay. She reminds me of that scene at the end of "Mr. Nobody" where the wife is mid/late 30s and leaves her husband to find her teen love.. she gets a job at a hair salon, and looks at his picture daily. How likely is that? That is reality, not a lie. See? I say that you went looking for reasons because in her own words she said you just didnt excite her, she said she loved you and although she thinks of her ex, he never took her serious, so you did, now she wants you to make her feel wanted and not like she settle and you dont care anymore. It gave voice to what is missing and now the question is, How can you get it back? Or not. He does not provide very much details. The guy was asking her if she'd told me about them being together in the past. Somehow I think there are deeper issues here to be honest. Maybe it was a thousand little things that added up due to lack of communication, maybe he had some legitimate complaints against his wife and he chose the wrong spark to set it all off, or maybe as you say this is just his midlife crisis and there was just a lot of turmoil in his head. Maybe she was thinking of leaving now the kids are raised, she basically made her bed and lay in it for 20 years, now she wants out? Your responses strongly suggest you've already made up your mind, so "what do I do?" But I find it a lot easier to believe someone is feeling nostalgic or unhappy in a marriage later down the line, rather than a wife 'settling' in an unhappy marriage for 20 years without the husband ever realising. I wish OP happiness in his new beginning. That even after 20+ years and two kids she didn't get over her ex. Hopefully you can find a way to remain amicable. Im just glad my IRL friend group/family/boyfriend have compassion and dont talk this way to people. I don't think anyone here should give that advice on limited information of this incident alone. Lets put a pin in that and come back. But just about everyone will feel it at some point, and those little depressive doubts can scream pretty loud if you're not used to shutting them up. He lied about his intentions, he never let me into his life even though I let him into mine, and even though he turned me on, he never really left me satisfied because he was a selfish lover, and probably was just a selfish person in general. You are making the right decision. 1) break up Everything is better with him! I am 200% sure your "real face" has some ugly aspects, extremely ugly ones , all of us have it . OP consider this, if Tom had popped up during your marriage and told her he made a mistake giving her up would she have been gone like a shot? But after 20 years when both kids have moved on? This could be something that can be worked out through counseling if they both want to, I've seen worse. "he doesn't excite me the way that my ex does". Dear both sides it is a problem. Boom, it would be over for me too. His wife's comments would have probably rocked the house even in the best of times, but I think it must have landed on a pretty big powder keg to bring down the whole house. You can't trust someone like that, she's been pining about the ex all along. Sometimes we say things in the moment that we don't mean and that can really hurt people but I encourage OP to look at what he does have. If not, accept that she chose to spend 20 years of her life with you and not any Tom-like guy and you are wasting it over a phone call with a friend. It's like incel bate. Im not saying it should hurt any less bec OPs situation sucks but apparently even after 20 years, this couple still needs to learn how to communicate better with each other and thats not a bad thing. It was just a consolation prize. Maybe there's literally thousands of combinations of things that could lead to this blowout. Had the friend maybe confessed something similar so the wife was giving her own similar example that may or may not have been embellished? We dont.
If you never "settled", if you didn't stop chasing after dreams, you would have missed the opportunity make those dreams a reality. Dear Coleen I overheard my wife saying horrible things about me to her friend and its made me wonder whether I should call time on our marriage. He should still talk with his wife to hear what she has to say in my opinion. Sometimes they just say or do stupid things, It's why everyone experiences the feeling of laying up late at night thinking about stupid things you did in the past. Not really. Both of these are incredibly sensible responses. Looking at the way the OP is responding to posts in this thread IMO confirms this several times over. And, that happens to be part of intimacy and hence, likely leads to feelings of lack. She totally and completely shit on him and their entire 20 year marriage by saying she basically wishes it had been someone else, and you're saying that's simple? This actually happened to me to a degree, except I was on the boat of, "the ONLY good thing through those hellish years was my boyfriend (now husband)". Women (not all) tend talk to other people about their feelings, whether those feelings are rational or irrational, fleeting or deep-seated, big or small, new or old. Things ended when Tom took a job across the country and my wife chose not to follow him. Like saying you settled for your husband and wish your ex had been serious. To be honest you are in a sh*t storm. But if theyve already checked out it might be too late. It might have been a comment. Who knows. But the fantasy very very very rarely measures up to 20 years every. He suspected she settled to some degree and was in denial. OP didn't put any of that context above your comment in the post. OP believed he was in a happy marriage but if his wife isnt happy and keeps thinking about her ex, perhaps it was not a happy marriage after all. It doesnt make them an awful person it usually just means they miss the excitement of that time of their life and that youve still got that idealized person in your head. You also feel youre missing it so when you heard it and caused you to not be able anymore to tolerate what you are missing. I agree.
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