I am at the end of my rope. It is 30 years since I was at home and he is still the same although kinder to me than he was when I lived with him. When he gets out on his own (in the real world), if he doesnt pay his bills, he will ruin his credit. Weird that he gets mad if I try to provide for him, and also frustrating. Let us know how you are doing. She wont really talk about what happened, and I still feel like Im walking on eggshells most of the time. Suggestions? And I cant undo whatever happened in the past to contribute to this. Maybe some lessons or you put some time aside to dance like no one is watching. My sweet daughters, I love all of you, every part the light and dark, your sass and spirit, your profound compassion and loving hearts, your courage and conviction, your silliness and seriousness, your brilliance. Last week I poked up all of his clothingin Ludington stuff he does not wear oftensuits ..belts old no fault of items cloths.pyjamas..everything in his suitcases ND told him with genuine smile thato I had packed all his things for him. Do this with everything that brings tension to a situation. I bet 99% of parents of a teen has heard the words I hate you. Ask yourself, what would I tell my best friend. He has been disrespectful to his mom for the last 3 years its been a slow growing thing with saying you know why I hate you so leave me alone, which no one can get him to say what happened. No kid likes an over bearing parent! Sending you a hundred hugs! Do you think time will fix this? We forget who we are and that one time we mattered too. As he does not want the illusion of a mom, he feels free to express his true feelings to me, and his feelings are all hate, hate, hate. When the other person lets us down or stops meeting our expectations, things go bad real fast. To figure out what is next for you. We are all made up of a heap of memories and past experiences. Its good he doesnt like his job. Keep yourself together like a parent trying to support their child. Stick with your daughter and remember she is likely going through a tough phase in life. Oh Janice, I am so sorry you are going through this terrible pain. Teenagers are the devil. I cried my eyes out when she told me that. Not sure if there are any psychological problems with him, he had a pyschotherapist at his secondary school but they never diagnosed anything. They asked me to pay some living expenses. Youre the one that is there so you get the brunt of it. Try & stay away from negative people until you are stronger. His schooling is not a life-threatening matter. We shouldnt try and save our children from the wisdom they will earn from making bad decisions or mistakes. I was barely surviving myself for so many of those years. I feel like such a horrible mother, but also,dont deserve to be treated the way they are treating me. We cannot learn their lessons for them. This weekend, though, I am going to start trying to take a few baby steps, thinking of places I can go on my own where I wont be too embarrassed. If you cant accept your child for who they are, you dont deserve their love or to be part of their lives. Just what I needed! If you become a burden, she will avoid you. Her Dad left me and them 7 years ago and moved 3000 miles away but I am the problem. I speak as someone who rarely has communication with my son in his 20s; his choice. I dont want to go into the whole story now, since every mistake you could make, I made, things got ugly, and I dont want to ever take things for granted again and say oh, everythings all better now since I dont know whats in his mind, nor can I take credit for any turnaround since whatever was going in with him, he is finding his own path out of it. For everyone for that matter! but all of the sudden everything changes, he is very rude and very disrespectful. Always reach out to them and continue to love them. Make sure it is on a very low volume to not disturb sleep. I feel a sense of grieving. In every difficult situation, there is a lesson waiting for us. Its like teaching someone to drive when your instuctor has never been behind the wheel of a car. I bit my tongue A LOT! That wont help you. We shouldnt give up hope, but in the meantime we need to let go of the guilt, take care of ourselves and survive. My teenage son hates me. Say, I totally agree with you, but we all have to get through school and college the best we can. My dauhgter over the last two years constantly breaks curfew and really all other rules. I followed up listing all her strengths that I loved about her. Go ahead and try to kill one, they will fight with everything they have to stay alive. Guess who she comes to when she needs help though. When they are home for the summer, I dont even ask them to do anything around the house anymore, its not worth the aggravation, and they wont do it anyway. I dont know what to do. Like she woke up one morning and decided she hated her family. You just have to let go of the grip you have on him. But on the other hand, I am worried he may be very angry when he knows I bring his things to school counsellor without his consent. I If your son finds out about going to the Principal, simply remind him that he closed all lines of communication so you had no other choice. Things rarely work themselves out if they are swept under the rug. For YOUR sanity! As parents its so easy to blame ourselves, and people can forever tell us to keep strong boundaries, but when they are offloading all their crap onto us, really all we can do is be there for them. He is in independent studies, however, I find it very difficult to do his work, he still lacks motivation. I can tell by your response you are a great mother. She woke up the morning of her 13th birthday I did not know who she was. Then the teen age years, specifically 16 when she started being really mean to me. A counsellor might help?. He would sit and talk to me about his friends and we would do lots together -- swimming, bowling. I cant seem to say anything that doesnt make her angry. Or, the vicious cycle of struggles gets passed down generation after generation. We try to support the whole family but its hard. Its hard to know youre not going to be perfect, but its good to know you are doing youre best and all you can, and even more The painful thing is teens will blame and rant at the parent who is present and the one missing or other family members that make no effort look good or at least dont take the blows. Im in DE. He drank until he couldnt drink anymore because his liver was dying. Things Ive employed over the past year has been: Live with absolute unprejudiced involvement, evolve beyond your limitations, lead with love and be all inclusive of people you come in contact with. We are super close on day, she hates me the next. Be there when THEY need us, not when WE need them. So true. Historically, this change has been attributed to hormones, which is certainly a large part of it.
I have a daughter who is now 21 and I was in your spot when she was 17. They are not property. He refuses to tidy up after himself, which I can accept in his own bedroom but not every other room in our home! All the stuff you hate spending money on. Oh, except for collecting a massive hoard of crap which is important to him for unknown reasons and that I am expected to babysit until whenever he decides he wants it back. I have given her warning after warning, I havent slept in four days. Great, guess hes got custody of my youth as well. And BE love. No matter what, we must always keep calm and lead with love. Take care and treat yourself to something nice today! Hang in there, both of you!!! At one point I had things almost calmed down when the 3 year old gets out of the car and points his little finger and said no mommy you lie mommy you bad go home, and I knew at that time something had to change before my son gets released, or my grandchildrens options change. Reading this in 2021, after almost a year in Covid lockdown with a teen who makes me feel like crap. You have to acknowledge their complaint and say youre sorry. Alexa Yes love is enough even when it feels wasted on them. My heart has never been so broken and he can be so coldI never dreamed a child that use to cry when I left the room could walk away by the time he turned 15 like he never had such a close relationship. You're a great dad. Your teens future is at stake. Getting a teenagers trust is very hard and takes a while. If you have a chance to make things right, order will be restored (thats a blessing in itself). Somehow I felt he might not finally make up his mind yet. If you are the root of the problem, you have to put your feelings aside. He tells me he does not like or respect me at all. Now he hates me -- it seems as if he cannot bear to be near me.
The whole purpose of spirituality is to fix yourself. That seems fair. In order to die, you must have lived. A great challenge It often wears one out to the limit. It could be because of a divorce, a death, a sibling is abusing them or they did something really bad. I wrote this article in response to the many parents I have worked with who felt very hurt by their teens anger and either gave up on parenting them or reacted to them in an aggressive manner. When you mention this, remember to tell him over and over that you want what he wants but theres protocols you both need to follow to do this right. Talk to them as if you were talking to another adult. If we invest in our recovery full throttle, wonderful things will happen. He seems to have adopted 100% the depression world view that life is pointless and hopeless and he will never have friends or goals and that even if he did ever try to do anything it would fail. I think you even mentioned this in a previous post. Dont be afraid to tell her that this is all new territory for you, and you really want to be a better Mom to her. I felt my life meant so little to the person I loved the most. 
Then the switch got flipped and now she sees herself as a mental mess because of what her father and I did. For example, if your son attempts to communicate something important with you, speaking over him will probably only yield frustration. Meaningful conversations work best when theyre a two-way endeavor, so try to listen attentively when hes talking and allow him to speak his mind entirely without interrupting. My Grown Son Hates Me, What Do I Do?
Sometimes we focus on whats best for us. He is an adolescent right now as he grows up he will start valuing you again. My wish is for all humans to think their lives are worth preserving just as much as they do. Your words of wisdom have helped immensely, as well as everyone elses here on this post. DO NOT respond to a negative comment and dont start one. Life is too short to be mistreated by anyone.that includes your parents! Until, oddly enough, when I finally got my crap back together, pulled my head out of my butt, exorcised the evil completely from my life (apart from a few months 3 years back, hed at least been a long-distance evil and had no contact with my son) andat that point, once Id finally regained my sanity, my son went into a huge depressive spiral and started hating me. Letter to Son From Mother. 5. You being such a great Mom, you too, have this to look forward to. Its just like taking a road trip across the country. Ask him to pick the monthly due date. Im so tired of being blamed Im close to disengaging from her. Because all we moms of teens do is pick at them over eyeliner. Teenage years can truly be hellish, and I can feel your pain! And thank you for your comment. Whenever she needed someone to tell her, its going to be ok. She now SEEKS my advice. We all need to be there for our children when they need us NOT when we need them. I havent lined up a job yet, but my sister and I have been talking about my moving back there so I wont be the one left out and I can also help her out with my dad and stuff. In my day we would never think of disobeying our parents. I hope I helped! Raking leaves, shoveling snow, a part time job, mowing laws, babysitting etc. If you want a favorable reaction, you have to be in the same mindset as you would be in if a friend was opening up to you. I found 8 really good friends going through the same thing as I was. I now have an empty nest, and I thought I would be so sad, but after awhile I get tired of doing for them and I never get a drop of appreciation back. It really is my worst nightmare. I have been calling once a week, and mostly talking to my sister, a little to my dad (who is definitely going downhill, cognitively as well as health-wise) and then having some very strained, awkward, and obviously reluctant on his part conversation with my son. Remember, they are not you, they are not their siblings and shouldnt be compared to anyone else. No, no one loves failing at anything. I was looking for any nugget of wisdom I could dig up and apply to my situation, wow, I found a whole mountain of wisdom from these comments. Since you and I are very similar in nature and have been rejected by our child, I can tell you what I did to take charge of my life. You could get a table fountain for their room that trickles water, maybe get one of those sand meditation gardens, an ant farm or a rain stick. He use to be a very lovely boy, always well behaved and well manners. No matter how wonderful you think you are, if no one else thinks your wonderful, you have failed and wasted this life.
Another thing to do is, smile and say hi to strangers! The planet surely didnt need my Mom or you to reproduce if you didnt want to. No hard rock, head banging or rap. Be honest and tell him that you were concerned about the change in his behavior. You need to be the strong one, not the other way around. Their mom has already made you out to be the evil, bad dad. So Im really hoping your wish comes true and your child is able to move out and start their life finding people that build them up and makes them happy. I have fun with my other family members but right when my dad shows up he is so rude. Deep down, they are different but cant admit it right now. Once we realive we have complete control over our thoughts, can we begin to release them. Its kind of hard to hold out any hope in he face of this. After he read this, I received his message of I hate you. You will keep coming back until you get this right. Thanks so much for reaching out Rene! What she needs is your support and encouragement. Go figure. If you do, it will be out of obligation. He took the stuff out of our hands and threw it in the dumpster and kicked us out. Oh, I could have written 95% of this myself. If I think about it my head spins. Thats the definition of support (just like you would do with a friend). It is an opportunity if you really think about it. Wonderful article and God bless you all for the helpful comments. You are doing her a disservice by this constant catering. We need to understand what having a child means. You have to give it just enough water, sun, nutrients and care. Letting your teen run wild will help neither you nor your teen. I really dont know what to think or expect anymore, since we are not dealing with anything remotely resembling normal teen turbulence here. As a nonparent but a therapist for many kids, teens, and families, I can easily understand what this teen is going through. As a parent, that should be your ultimate goal!!!! Go away today. Also known as the vicious cycle of dysfunction. Be sensitive to nature and everything around you. You sound like an amazing mum, and you cant be responsible for the mess thats going on in your sons head. Best wishes and please keep us posted on how things progress. You can subtly guide him by figuring out what he wants to do for a living. One year ago my life was turned upside down as well.
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